Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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