dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
