Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
