I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I cannot find my penis.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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