wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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