Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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