i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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