I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
