We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
