matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's get the cat blown out
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
