Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
