Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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