I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
