We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
