i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
