I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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