Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
