maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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