dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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