Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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