Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
