apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My pussy is not your playground.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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