I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
