watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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