If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
