If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
