Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
