And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
