just tell him i said nine months
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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