she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
