I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
