Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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