I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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