Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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