I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
