I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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