I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
