you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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