How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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