just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
