After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
