i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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