just survived the first fart of the relationship.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
