Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
