ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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