so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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