He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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