taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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