i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
