Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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